JUST SO YOU KNOW ;

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

somehow i like today alot (: haha

school was pretty fine. took train today. hah. so first lesson was chinese. but i dont take chinese now soooo it was math for me. i wasted that half an hour away. haha i just kept going to the toilet. and doing rubbish. then atfter that was 90 minutes of math. ahh i hate it. so i was thinking and chatting. and yah i have all these to say

im always contradicting myself. when i think abou the past, i feel so scared. im scared that you dont like me anymore. and i think that you dont anymore. ohwell. i'll think about how long have we not sms and stuff, and yah my fears are furthermore confirmed. there will be this sad feeling welling up in me. and i dont like it. im so sure that this time its really the end.

when i think about the present. i always think about how im gonna be friends with you. its weird isnt it. im weird, i am. i want so much to be good friends with you now. and yet i cant lay down the past. i want so much to be us again deep down. im so okay now, alright and everything. happy and all, but when i think back. damn, i miss us so much. and i will give everything for you and i. i told myself to be friends with you, and heyy my heart agreed. this is what i want. but i cant seem to be firm in my decision. im always drifting away from it.

i say that im moving on and i am. i really am. but just why, i just cant put down the past. knowing more and more things these few days made me feel so guilty. now i know you really cared, you really loved. and im so sorry. im so wrong, so bad, so evil and all. and yes, you deserve better. someone much better. sighs.

i said hi to you today. twice. it felt alright. it was quite normal. you smiled and stuff, i no longer feel that kinda fast heartbeat or anything anymore. im treating you as a friend now. but the past, it is holding me back. thats how much you mean to me. you mean so much, so darn much to me. i suddenly wish that you will sms me. argh whats wrong with me, im contradicting myself. non stop. its like really great and fine being friends. and i have chosen this path. but at times, i want more. ahh im feeling so weird. my feelings are clashing.

why cant i be firm in what i want. why do i let myself waver time and again. i kept falling back and then i have to tell myself all over again that its this that i want. perhaps im deceiving myself. perhaps im forcing myself. but i think its the best way out. why do i keep thinking otherwise. ahh. i told myself that i wont start a conv or sms. and yah, these few days, everything was pretty alright. we didn talk and stuff. but actually i realise that deep inside, i want to talk to you alot. and i wish, i really wish that you will sms me. man, any idea how happy i'll be? but well. whether im happy or not is not of your concern any longer.

i dont feel like saying hi again.
will you initiate?

ohwells, every post contains some emo shit. wells, just received a phone call. hmm weird. mann, what am i supposed to do now. i feel so weird. weird weird weird.

anyway, im real sorry alright. all the stuff that i got to know over these few days, all the msn conv i read. all the smses, that letter, my posts. what i wrote in a book about times with you. man, im sorry i doubted you. im sorry. you know why i couldnt trust, you know why i couldnt love you like how i loved him. im truly sorry. its too late to say all these, i know that. but.. wells. thanks for being so understanding, so sweet and everything alright. i was so bad. i insisted that you didnt care about me and stuff. i know you did now. i know. and yah, too late. alls too late. im sorry. real sorry alright? im regretting like shit, but what can i do. nothings gonna change. we will just stay this way. you deserve to be happy, to be with someone much better. i cant match up to you. im not good enough for you. im sorry.

i want another chance. i want to make things alright, i want to make things better than before. i want us. if i had just one more chance. i promise, i wont let you go. i wont push you away again. i will cherish us with all that i have. i wont be bad anymore.

mann, i think i need to drown myself. thats not possible. i gotta wake up.

that song just makes me want to cry even more, but i promised i wont cry.

dont cry cause its over, smile because it happened.
im happy, cause of what happened. cause of us. cause of the past. and what happened never, never fails to bring a smile.

alright. stop stop. shall continue with my post. so elis was telling me her story and stuff. well, hope everything's alright man. dric was using elis's correction tape. and he spoilt it. he tried to fix it but he couldnt. so he showed th stupid face and insisted that he didn spoil it. hah it was darn funny. so yah we destroyed the whole thing. i coiled the tape around my finger. and pasted the plaster which aaron gave to me on it. and i told everyone i had a deep cut. haha
colin was like "woah, cut ah. okay lor"
esmonde was like " ohh. okay"
chye aik was "huh what happened to you"
dricee was the funniest.
"what happened?" -dric
"cut lor" - me
"how you cut yourself"
"knife lor"
"eh, does this look familiar?" pointing to the tape and the tape on my finger - elis
"eh, yah huh. why? you got cut by correction tape ah? how smart"
"HAHAHAHAHHAHA"
"eh, you bluff wan right"
"HAHAHAHHAHAHA"
"throw away the correction tape"
"why throw. so waste"
"then you tell me what can i do with it"
"throw around lah" throws up and catches it "wooo" "wooo"

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!

hmm. bio was up next. i wonder what i was doing. so much stuff were clogging up my brain.

recess was fine. after that was chinese. so we went to learnatfairfield. i really didn talk to kengheng since the start of the week. hmph ): wells
dricee burped. then he "oh sounds like an orchestra, someone continue please"
so ian burped
"im not going to partake" -norman
"why, cause you no air right!"
"cedric doesnt have the lit paper" -ian
"what lit paper. i dont want"
"take for him"
"ahh, what lit, toilet paper ah"

haha those three idiots.

so english was next. chatted with mund and menglinn as usual. haha i drew a WATCH on my wrist there. NICE OKAY! green and yellow. the hands are on the numbers 1 and 6. so its 6.05. haha. i like lah. nice okay. haha then mund went "eh, i thought no self branding? she brand us with her name somemore" HAHAHAH that idiot.

so after school. had lunch. then yah. talked to leon. waited for neo to come down. then after that, i went to learnatfairfield to find chye aik. haha then left at 3 plus. supposed to go with neo leon and jarold to watch match wan lah. then in the end they didn want to go. so yah lor. haha cabbed down with xuening and nic.

OHYAH. and i so want to kill xuening! i went to the cca block toilet to find them. so i signalled and mouth "IS NIC INSIDE?" haha the shower room. so she nodded. then i turned the hose up and pressed. and guess what, the person inside WASNT nic! OMGOMGOMOGMOGMOGM then i kept saying sorry and waited for the lady to come out. i apologised damn alot of times. no wonder i didn hear nic screaming. hah

so yah. i had to umpire the cdiv's match. anyway, good play there you guys. you all can go far. much much more hard work and effort are needed. so yah, you guys can do it alright. theres the potential but yah, start training hard on your basics and yah, skills wise, you all can make it. so yupp. work hard people (:

so the bdiv won. yay! haha.

andddddddddd. i saw this girl. shes call abby or sth? shes damn good and damn cute. and she smiled and said "THANK YOU" to me. HAHAHA. my heart melted. hah crazy. i just think that shes real cute. i wanted to take photo with her lah. but their debrief so long. nvm tmr morning i will go mgs. sit outside from six until i see her. HAHAHA kidding

so nic cor ail and i walked all the way to ritz apple strudel. DAMN FAR LAH. i nearly died.
my number 2 most hated thing : TO WALK, esp with a bag or any load

ohyah! and the juniors, th cdiv. theyre damn damn cute lah. they shouted "GOOD AFTERNOON SENIOR KIMBERLEY" and "THANK YOU SENIOR KIMBERLEY" damn loudly. haha then i got shocked lah. both times. haha theyre so cute. especially....... (:

so yah, apple strudel was yummaye. so cabbed back to school for nic and cor's bags. then yah all the guys were in school still. yah so we chatted for a short while at the bus stop. they are damn idiotic lah. haha

so bussed home with neo and shaun. neo was damn funny, as usual. he has a memory span of a goldfish. THREE SECONDS. haha then he was whistling some weird tune, that sounded quite familiar. he saw my cut
"what happened?" -neo
"cut lah" -me
"how come"
"i was playing with a knife"
"HUH dont tell me u tried to slit your wrist"
"HAHA no lah. i was playing with it"
"i show you" took out the plaster and tape then i swung it around.
"fake wan?"
"fake wan? fake wan? X 15"
"yah lah!"
"ugh. i feel like throwing my pe shirt at you"
HAHA DAMN FUNNY LAH. and he bites his pe shirt -_-"

so now im home. i bought another apple strudel. eating it now. yay yay. my birthday present for myself. ohyah! i have yet to thank the ppl for their presents. haha sorry ah. next post next post. when i got the time okay. i didn even use any present yet. all the chocs and everything also nv eat. haha i think i better arrange them and use them soon. haha thanks to all those who gave me presents yah? (:

> hmm clement choy. please dont be pissed alr okay. hope you can get the folio back. dont worry alright? (: cheer up.

"i hope we can be together forever! (:"

the smses, they are so sweet. im sure anyone's heart will melt if they read them. so sweet. the past, is so sweet. and perhaps thats why i cant lay it down. i smile at every thought of the past. and when i snap back to reality, i realised that i have lost you. i dont feel sorry for myself. cause i know im the one who caused all these. if only i can turn back time. if only i can be as nice to you as you were to me. if only i cherished us as much as you did. if only i want us as badly as you did. if only i didn let my past haunt me. if only i loved you wholeheartedly then. if only i believed that you care. if only i was as firm in our love as you were. if only im not weird. if only i understood then. if only.. the list goes on and on. if only.

you were really so sweet. the sweetest i have had. i really treated you very badly last time. thanks for being so nice and sweet despite me being such an arsehole yah.

im engulfed, by the memories and sweetness. im lost in the world of you and i.

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything
Would be like it was before
But nights like this
It seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

ohwells. sighs. gonna go off now. have a phone call to make.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVAN! i love you!

rewrite my story ;
8/23/2006 10:03:00 PM